Lookin good! Feelin good! Hoping it lasts!
Life is full of ups and downs, peaks and valleys, highs and lows.
Enjoy it now, not later!
05
Dec
09
Riding On A High!
As you look at the sweetness in the faces of these two little boys, please remember them, and also remember the grieving mother they left behind, the one who did her best to protect them, and yet, could not protect them from the “system.”
Susan Murphy Milano Show Wednesday, 9th, 2009 at 3 pm CST time. CALL IN (347) 326-9337
If you have a question for Amy and are unable to call in please email me at contact@movingoutmovingon.com and it will be read on air Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Show Time: 4:00 PM EST 3:00 PM CST 1:00 PM PST
Call-in Number: (347) 326-9337
Show Link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/susanmurphymilano
If you miss the show it will replay automatically right here on this site all you have to do is make sure the volume on your computer is turned on and up.
Clear and Present Danger
by Susan Murphy Milano
Like most of us I am deeply disturbed by the escalating number of parents murdering their own families. This past weekend was no exception as police discovered 9-year-old Duncan Connolly(left) and 7-year-old Jack Connolly(right) were found murdered in rural Putnam County, IL. Their father was found dead not far from where his car was left. According to police sources, the boys’ father had a rope around his neck when he was found.
The discovery brought to a close anational three-week search for the man and the boys, precipitated byMichael Connolly’s abduction of his sons following a weekend visitation.
The last time Amy saw her two boys alive, something was not right. Connolly was acting strange when they met at the police station. Amy refused to hand over her boys on March 7th, an officer threatened her if she didn’t give them to their father, she would be arrested according to her lawyer.
Amy Leichtenberg filed orders of protection against Michael Connolly more than once after his repeated physical and emotional abuse in the later years of their marriage. Amy filed for divorce that year and moved out of their home. In a 2006, a petition for a protective order against her husband was filed, saying that his “controlling and obsessive behavior” included threats to kill himself and others along with a series of bizarre demands he made of her. Within a 15-month period, Connolly violated the orders of protection 57 times.
In 2007, Amy was awarded full custody of the boys with Connolly given supervised visitation. According to court reports from the family visitation center, Connolly’s behavior was dangerous enough to temporarily cease all visits with the boys. In my experience, when a family visitation center terminates interaction between parent and child, it sends a red flag of danger. Connolly, the ever witty and clever abuser, was able to resume visits when his psychiatrist sent a “sympathy letter” to the judge “if my client is able to spend more time with his sons, Mr. Connolly’s depression and outbursts would lessen.”
The judge responded by setting a series of “behavioral guidelines.” This included obtaining employment, housing and continued therapy.
“(He) tells me if I ever take the boys away he will hunt me and my parents down and cut us open,” Amy Leichtenberg, then known asAmy Connolly, stated in the 2006 petition seeking an order of protection. Amy said during their marriage Connolly had tried to isolate her from her family. A common characteristic among abusers.
Despite the 57 violations of the protection orders, dangerous behavior and deadly threats, McLean County Judge James Souk“rewarded” Connolly unsupervised visitation with his sons.
Connolly filed numerous motions with the court, basically wearing the judge down. Despite pleas from Amy and her lawyer, which were ignored. This mother’s plea for supervised visitation was dismissed without regard to serious safety concerns.
There is an automatic presumption that it is in the best interest of a child “regardless of court orders”, prior violence or threats, to maintain visitation with both parents. Victims of domestic violence face a double edged sword. Either expose their children to imminent danger, or defy the court system refusing to allow visitation. Like so many others before her, Amy tried to deal with aviolent relationship in a family court environment.
In family court the two parties are presumed to be on a level playing field–law abiding individuals who have a disagreement over a private family matter. A core assumption of family law is that family disputes are not criminal disputes. As such, there are few safeguards built into the family court system to protect against the criminal dynamics that dominate family disputes in cases of family violence. In addition, the accusations the victim makes in family court, no matter how serious, carry no more authority than one person’s say so. One of the most serious consequences is that when a family violence victim opens a case in family court against her abuser, the abuser is given equal opportunity to fight back against the victim’s accusations, often because the abusers past is not an issue. Unless, of course, he is brought in from county or state prison sporting an orange jump suit and leg shackles.
There are lawyers and men’s groups who argue using domestic violence with a broad brush is not a reason to deny fathersvisitation with their children. Accusing mothers of lying or making up stories to keep fathers’ from their children.
Under the current laws, a parent without custody is entitled “reasonable visitation.” There is a high burden of proof as evidenced in this case when a court refuses to take into account dangerous abusers pose to their children.
Until we place the issue of labeling these cases as a “private matter” or an isolated incident, expect the death toll among children to rise. Expect the courts to continue to ignore clear and present danger signs when a victim of violence seeks a divorce.
Like most of us I am deeply disturbed by the escalating number of parents murdering their own families. This past weekend was no exception as police discovered 9-year-old Duncan Connolly(left) and 7-year-old Jack Connolly(right) were found murdered in rural Putnam County, IL. Their father was found dead not far from where his car was left. According to police sources, the boys’ father had a rope around his neck when he was found.
The discovery brought to a close anational three-week search for the man and the boys, precipitated byMichael Connolly’s abduction of his sons following a weekend visitation.
The last time Amy saw her two boys alive, something was not right. Connolly was acting strange when they met at the police station. Amy refused to hand over her boys on March 7th, an officer threatened her if she didn’t give them to their father, she would be arrested according to her lawyer.
Amy Leichtenberg filed orders of protection against Michael Connolly more than once after his repeated physical and emotional abuse in the later years of their marriage. Amy filed for divorce that year and moved out of their home. In a 2006, a petition for a protective order against her husband was filed, saying that his “controlling and obsessive behavior” included threats to kill himself and others along with a series of bizarre demands he made of her. Within a 15-month period, Connolly violated the orders of protection 57 times.
In 2007, Amy was awarded full custody of the boys with Connolly given supervised visitation. According to court reports from the family visitation center, Connolly’s behavior was dangerous enough to temporarily cease all visits with the boys. In my experience, when a family visitation center terminates interaction between parent and child, it sends a red flag of danger. Connolly, the ever witty and clever abuser, was able to resume visits when his psychiatrist sent a “sympathy letter” to the judge “if my client is able to spend more time with his sons, Mr. Connolly’s depression and outbursts would lessen.”
The judge responded by setting a series of “behavioral guidelines.” This included obtaining employment, housing and continued therapy.
“(He) tells me if I ever take the boys away he will hunt me and my parents down and cut us open,” Amy Leichtenberg, then known asAmy Connolly, stated in the 2006 petition seeking an order of protection. Amy said during their marriage Connolly had tried to isolate her from her family. A common characteristic among abusers.
Despite the 57 violations of the protection orders, dangerous behavior and deadly threats, McLean County Judge James Souk“rewarded” Connolly unsupervised visitation with his sons.
Connolly filed numerous motions with the court, basically wearing the judge down. Despite pleas from Amy and her lawyer, which were ignored. This mother’s plea for supervised visitation was dismissed without regard to serious safety concerns.
There is an automatic presumption that it is in the best interest of a child “regardless of court orders”, prior violence or threats, to maintain visitation with both parents. Victims of domestic violence face a double edged sword. Either expose their children to imminent danger, or defy the court system refusing to allow visitation. Like so many others before her, Amy tried to deal with aviolent relationship in a family court environment.
In family court the two parties are presumed to be on a level playing field–law abiding individuals who have a disagreement over a private family matter. A core assumption of family law is that family disputes are not criminal disputes. As such, there are few safeguards built into the family court system to protect against the criminal dynamics that dominate family disputes in cases of family violence. In addition, the accusations the victim makes in family court, no matter how serious, carry no more authority than one person’s say so. One of the most serious consequences is that when a family violence victim opens a case in family court against her abuser, the abuser is given equal opportunity to fight back against the victim’s accusations, often because the abusers past is not an issue. Unless, of course, he is brought in from county or state prison sporting an orange jump suit and leg shackles.
There are lawyers and men’s groups who argue using domestic violence with a broad brush is not a reason to deny fathersvisitation with their children. Accusing mothers of lying or making up stories to keep fathers’ from their children.
Under the current laws, a parent without custody is entitled “reasonable visitation.” There is a high burden of proof as evidenced in this case when a court refuses to take into account dangerous abusers pose to their children.
Until we place the issue of labeling these cases as a “private matter” or an isolated incident, expect the death toll among children to rise. Expect the courts to continue to ignore clear and present danger signs when a victim of violence seeks a divorce.
Just as the hot air in a balloon helps you soar, when it looses its air, the toxin spreads.
from: Psychology Today, written by: Steven Stosny, Ph.D.
Due to their immediate survival significance, negative emotions enjoy priority processing in the brain. This is one of nature’s peculiar ironies, because positive emotions are actually more important to long-term survival. You have a better chance of living a longer, higher quality life if you experience more positive emotions than negative ones. You are certainly better off in the long run admiring the lovely green of the rolling hills, but you won’t make it to the long run if you don’t notice the snake lurking in the grass in front of you. Thus our brains are hard-wired to scan the immediate environment continuously for threat, which is why it takes so much effort to slow down and smell the roses.
The hard-wired threat-detector embedded in our central nervous systems makes a lot of sense in terms of keeping us safe from physical threats. Unfortunately, it has been hijacked in modern times to include threats to the ego. When ego grows, emotional pollution flows.
You can think of the ego as a compilation of the ways you prefer to think and feel about yourself combined with how you prefer others to think and feel about you. If a person needs to think of himself as important, he is likely to manipulate the impressions of others to make them think he is important. Psychologists refer to these attempts to manipulate the impressions that other people have of us as “impression management.” Emotional polluters invest heavily in impression management. But they also have a safety-net when their efforts at impression management fall short. The polluter who fails to get others to think he’s important will simply regard them as unimportant. Thus he feels more important by downward comparison to those who don’t think he’s important.
Emotional pollution becomes a major problem when assaults on the ego engage defense systems meant to keep us physically safe. That’s why ego-threats can seem like life-and-death situations. (How else could a term like “death before dishonor” make sense?) This transfer of defenses dedicated to the survival of the species to the defense of the ego gives emotional pollution its terrible foothold on our psyches. Emotional pollutants make us feel put down, shut out, belittled, or diminished, whether or not we are consciously aware of the feelings.
Ironically, the defenses we develop to protect the ego against emotional pollution end up creating more of it, if we try to prevent others from making us feel put down, shut out, belittled or diminished by putting them down, shutting them out, belittling or diminishing them. The temptation is to dismiss the emotional polluter who needs to feel more important than you: “He’s just a jerk.” But then you’re doing the exact same thing as he — making yourself feel more important by regarding him as unimportant. That may defend your ego against his unfair assault, but when you react to a jerk like a jerk, what does that make you? Emotional pollution is an ego-defensive display of (usually subtle) psychological aggression that requires others to defend their egos in response. Thus it is inexorably self-perpetuating.
Although the ego is the point of attack, the toxic effects of emotional pollution go beyond the psychological. The defenses it invokes, which evolved to keep us physically safe, are emergency systems powered by corrosive stress chemicals that were never intended for use every day, not in anything like the frequency required to cope with emotional pollution. Thus we pay a high physiological price – in addition to the exorbitant psychological one — for dealing with emotional pollution on a daily basis.
05
Aug
09
Life Is In The Timing
From the site of Jillian Maas Blackman, Intuitive Life Coach
When you live a life of creative visualization, you can plainly see where you are going and where you want to be. The hidden component no one wants to discuss is…Relevant Timing.
We all relate to the occurrences of “stalling out,” times in life when the perceived rewards are not equal to your efforts. Your mind tells you to skip ahead in the line of knowing and cut right to the front of the line. How many times have you tried to do that on your own path to success, pushing forward, creating something out of frustration and boredom only to have yourself playing in your own game of ‘whack a mole,” shoving you back down to where you originally started in line in the first place?
I understand no one likes serving time through experiences to achieve greatness. There are times when this is truly the only solution in moving forward to personal power. Your quest in this adventure is patience and balance. When is the right time to seize the moment or wait for the moment to present itself? Relevant timing is the crucial factor many forget to honor along the way. We are so caught up in the competition around us to be in the forefront, we lose sight of natural manifestation. It is very challenging to unleash yourself from participating with the ego of winning at all costs; this means dominating the outcome of the natural flow to personal empowerment. You can do this, but I am telling you there will be no solid foundation to hold your fleeting accomplishments. Timing is not aligned with your personal experiences. Inexperience will surface and the building will crumble around you.
How do you handle your personal “stalling out” moments? How can you replace down time with healthy choices? I personally step away and re-connect with friends….
Assimilate your own body cues – or intuitive sensing – to signal when relevant timing is present in your life. Seize the moment when experience and timing are present to bring about your creative visions of empowerment.
Join me every week, listen On-air(Lake 961 fm)and on-line at www.lake961.com Sunday mornings from 9-10am(CST) Follow guests and after radio talk on my facebook page and twitter. I.T.’S for You with JMB.
I understand the “power of now” but WE have time for you to take your time.
In loving gratitude, Jillian
So, he’s 4 years old now and learning to stretch his vocabulary along with his personality!
Every day he learns to say a new bad word! It seems to coincide with his fearless attitude towards all things his mother asks him to do. Is this normal? Gnashing of teeth and ready to fight at the drop of a hat!
Where did the sweet, innocent go? The one who wanted to crawl into Grandma’s lap and fall asleep while being rocked? The “I love yous” have turned into “don’t look at me!” The little dreamer has become everyone’s nightmare!
Little boys are rather foreign to me and his older brother was much more empathetic and sensitive to those around him and their feelings. This one is living in the center of his own universe and could care less about anything unless it’s interrupting his pleasures!
Is it just a phase? Or has my mother cursed me twice!? She always told me I would have a child just like myself, and I did, but I didn’t expect to be blessed with a second one! Thanks, Mom!
12
Mar
09
Heather’s Story
Heather Thompson
This brutal picture is a reminder to every woman in an abusive relationship.
It’s only a matter of time. He won’t change. You are wasting your time trying to be the best you can be for him.
Do yourself and your children a favor. Get away.
Get away far.
Get away fast.
Get away safely.
Don’t look back.
08
Mar
09
Unemployment
It’s been 2 weeks since I have been among the unemployed. I have had a steady, 6 day a week, job for almost 30 years and I am finding I don’t remember what to do with myself all day.
I’m used to structure. Getting up every morning, getting ready, and being someplace every day has been the way my days have gone for so long that I forgot how to not live by the clock.
I’m doing better. I’m trying to motivate myself to do at least one thing each day around my house that has been put off and that I complained I never had enough time to do. There are tons of those things just waiting for the right moment.
The first week was the hardest. I just wandered through each day, not knowing exactly what I was supposed to do with all this free time and no money. There are a lot of great stores nearby and a lot new places to shop or have lunch, but with my budget, it’s not quite as fun to deny myself things I wish I could buy.
This is supposed to be a temporary situation, and I’m hoping my company is being truthful. At my age I would hate to think about starting all over in a new career, but at least I still have a little of my mind left if that’s what I have to do. I don’t even want to think about competing with the new generation!
23
Dec
08
Going Through The Motions
Happy Holidays are for you.
Merry Christmas comes your way.
Make it festive make it gay.
But for me it’s just another day.
I will rest and just chill.
Like last year.
And next year.
17
Dec
08
Grandma Mabel
Grandma Mabel was the epitome of unconditional love. I was born a ‘First’! First child, first grandchild on both sides of my family, so, of course, I was special! Actually I was probably the first spoiled brat in the family and I took the role quite seriously. So when my baby sister came along it didn’t sit too well with me or my mother! Mom always liked her best! I was the wild child and exhibited all of the temper tantrums, wouldn’t go to bed, and literally would strip naked and roam the neighborhood instead of napping! (I was only 2!)
But through it all there was a calming effect in my life, a beacon of light that surrounded me when I was out of control. Grandma Mabel. We shared the secrets of life while cuddling next to each other when I spent the night with her. (ok, she said I kicked!) I remember begging for one more story about her childhood, her family, my grandfather who died at 29. I wanted to know it all. She would be so tired, but she knew I wasn’t going to go to sleep until she told me more, and she did.
Then it was the pictures. She had picture albums of all of her family, old pictures, and I loved them all. We would sit and she would tell me the stories about them all. She had me convinced that I was a decendent of Johnny Appleseed, her brother was John Chapman, and I believed in it until I was at least in my twenties when she convinced me that it was just a story she told me at bedtime! I have every picture, and every story, that was her legacy to me. I keep her secrets, the things I know she wouldn’t want anyone else in the world to know, and they are safe within me. After she died I found a letter from her sister, a mean old witch, Aunt Edith, talking about things I knew she didn’t want known. I tore it up and flushed it before anyone else at the house could find it.
Christmas at Grandma’s was more than special, it was magical. Santa ate the cookies, drank his milk, and even left muddy footprints on the carpet! The old lights on the tree, the tin train underneath and presents as far as a little girl’s eye could see. Somehow she always knew how to make sure Santa brought me what I wanted, even though I knew I was bad that year! I would sit underneath the Christmas tree, oohing and awing over each unwrapped present and spend the day taking them out of boxes, playing with one, then moving on to the next one.
Grandma Mabel was magic in my life, always giving, always loving me. She was my haven from the realities of my life. She was the shoulder I cried on, she was the arms that held me up until the day she died. I love her and miss her every day, and I am so elated when she ‘visits’ me in a dream or leaves her smell somewhere just to let me know that she will never leave me alone in this world. I love you, Gram!
